THE SYNDICATE
Today my topic, Tiger Woods.
I know it's been reported ad nauseam, but as most of you know, he has sequestered himself in a sex rehab place in Mississippi after being publicly humiliated by his seemingly endless number of marital indiscretions. I used to just respect his golfing abilities and not really like him much (I mean come on, can I really get behind a model citizen pro athlete? F-that) but now I could kiss the guy. I mean, who knew he was a total iconic hero that I could really identify with? Sure, maybe he should've stiff-armed the marriage deal or at least included his wife in the good ol' fashioned orgy fun, but hindsight is 20/20. I just wish he could drop the great guy act and own being a badass that likes to get down with Playboy Playmates like Loredana Jolie, who claims:
Loredana Jolie
"He would engage in sex from 9 p.m. until the sun came up the next morning. But he wasn't a healthy guy. He couldn't sleep and would stay up all night. I am not really sure rehab for sex addiction will help him."
You know why she is 100% right, and rehab won't help him? HE IS A NORMAL GUY THAT IS TRAPPED IN A SHITTY MARRIAGE! That's right boys and girls, men are horrible creatures that do not change even when they get (for some ridiculous reason, in this case probably because of pressure from golf sponsors) married.
(In fat girl voice)
"But my smoochie-pie doesn't think about playmates or sex all the time."
Yes he does, you just happen to have his balls in your purse and it's the only shred of himself you haven't stolen from him because you can't read his mind.
The crazy part about this story is that this guy has more money than God, and for some reason, didn't build a sky mansion that floats over the Himalayas where you'd need a solid gold hovercraft to enter it's magnetic field where clothes are forbidden for all the stripper/adult models that live there frolicking in sweet cloud-like bliss. If only he played a team sport like basketball he might have picked up some sage advice from a teammate like Kobe, Shaq, or MJ (doesn't he play golf?).
Right about now, you may be wondering if I have it out for athletes and or women. Not true, I love most athletes. They make sure that I if I need a cart at Walmart, I know where to find one and that my trash is routinely picked up on Wednesdays. And women, I respect you for your minds. How about that sensitivity Ladies? ;) ;)
So until the tell-all books come out, what is the over/under on how many fellow patients he's banging at the rehab center? At least you can take solace and enjoy knowing that there is a pro athlete out there who has your back and represents all that is right and good for men trapped in shitty marriages everywhere.
Be cool boys and girls.
-The Syndicate Writer
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